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The Dealbreaker. Part 2.
So we continue from where we left off last week. Remember your comments and opinions are welcome.
5. Lying: Funny thing is, although guys generally are masters at deception, they can’t stand it when their lady lies and then they later find out about it especially when it’s a continuous pattern of behavior. In essence, you are telling them they can’t trust you. No one wants to be with someone they can’t trust.
6. Constant criticism: Of course we all know that men are egocentric beings so they find it more difficult to withstand a verbal bashing. But imagine them being exposed to that kind of bashing day after day. After a while they will scream that they can’t take it anymore. Especially our naija men. Who born you to tell me that I don’t know how to manage my money? Or that my tie is always crooked? Or that all my friends are evil?
7. Abusive: I don’t know about you guys but as a child I watched free shows where the women held their husbands’ clothing and shouted: “Oloshi, you will kill me today. You better bring out that money or else…” The harried husband usually tried to hold to his shreds of dignity either by pulling away and dragging the woman with him woman a ferocious blow or slap or also abusing her in very colorful language. Nowadays though, such shows are few and far between. Our men certainly cannot tolerate a public show of shame anymore. They don’t seem to appreciate a colorful stream of abuse privately too.
8. Lack of Ambition/Too much ambition: Gone were the days when women sat at home making babies and men went out to work. The Nigerian economy just doesn’t call for that anymore. So for most working class Nigerian men, they really don’t want to waste time with someone who can’t contribute financially or has no idea of where she’s going or what she wants to do. On the other hand, they can’t deal with someone whose ambitious drive doesn’t give them time to be with their family and carry out the traditional roles of wife and mother. Many Nigerian men don’t make good househusbands. So the trick ladies, is in the balancing.
9. Lack of housekeeping skills: Remember what I said about the shower? Although not all men insist on that, a lot still have their own fantasies of what constitutes good housekeeping skills. Forget the fact that you went to his house last week and you saw week old plates in the kitchen sink. They just hold you to a higher standard. So for most naija dudes, you must be willing and able to wash and cook and clean and keep tidy both your person and your residential quarters.
10. Nagging: This has been said to be the number one sin of women all over the world. I tried to do a little research on nagging and this is what I came up with. Nagging can be defined as the ability to annoy someone by constantly scolding, complaining or urging. Someone explained nagging thus: “You can say it in a number of different ways, but when you say it in a number of different ways over and over again, that constitutes nagging.”(Michelle Weiner Davis). So ladies, men don’t appreciate our harping on something again and again. Once we’ve said it twice or thrice, then we need to let it go. They will get it eventually with our love and patience( lol. we pray so). FYI, men nag too and it’s also a deal breaker for a lot of women.
This is not an exhaustive list but for the most part it covers a lot of the things men feel they cannot cope with. Other things men mentioned as deal breakers were a lady who is haughty, argumentative, boring or can’t move on from her past. Still others talked about the other person not loving pets, or not being able to put their phone down.
Relationships like many other things in life works on a balancing mechanism. As a person you must be able to look at the pros and cons of the relationship. Yes, this person has these flaws but do their good points trump the bad ones? Because ladies and gentlemen, at the end of the day what we are all looking for is love and acceptance and we must be willing to give it if we want to get it.
Hi folks, today we are taking a break from the octogenarian’s diary and taking a look at an important issue. Your comments are welcome.
The Deal Breaker(Naija Guys Speak)
So I was having a random discussion with a friend and we were discussing relationships. I was debunking the theory of ‘the perfect one’ as I was of the opinion that any relationship could work if the two partners were committed to making it work and shared the same values. My friend agreed that the big things were important, but that it was actually the small things that could actually be a big deal for some relationships, and gave an example of a friend who couldn’t last with any lady if she refused to take a shower every night before she dropped off to sleep. What if the girl has spent the whole day in Lagos island traffic and all she wants to do is get out of her work clothes, take off her heels and sleep biko? Can’t there be a compromise on such an issue? I could understand if the girl was a total slob and the guy was a neat freak, but breaking up with a girl because she didn’t take a shower every night before going to sleep? I felt that was going overboard. But like a friend would say: “Issorai. To each his own.”
When another guy said: “Look if she hasn’t watched any of the Star wars movies, nope, sorry.” Then I knew I had heard it all. Anyway, that discussion made me go to town and try to find out what exactly the deal breakers are according to guy speak naija flavor. So ladies, if you are wondering why that guy suddenly broke up with you for no reason, it may be advisable to take a look at some of these points. we would
Here are some of the major deal breakers guys talked about:
1. Cheating: This is the number one of the deal breakers. As long as you guys have made it clear to each other that you are in an exclusive relationship, finding intimacy with another guy whether emotional or physical is one thing guys can’t seem to accept all over the world. Almost nine times out of ten, he’d up and leave. Forget the fact that he’s had his own share of side flings. Men love exclusivity when it comes to their women.
2. Sexual history: Uh in Nigeria, there are definitely a lot of changes taking place. People are not as conservative as they used to be. Things like sex are actually being discussed openly everyday among young people. However a lot of Nigerian men still find it difficult to accept women with a colorful sexual history. It’s just a fact. That’s why many girls sometimes decide to take those secrets with them to the grave and some are successful in that regard. I really think it’s much safer though(for both men and women) to leave that part of your life unexplored until you are in the right and safe environment for it, which is marriage.
3. Flirting with other guys: It’s ok to be friends with your boyfriend’s male friends but you need to be careful about anything that could be misconstrued as flirting. So laugh at the guys jokes but not too much. Avoid touching his arm for instance. Keep your distance and make it clear that you are with the other guy no matter the amount of sizzling chemistry between you both. You don’t want to give your beau the wrong impression.
4. Family history: As a friend put it: ‘No one wants to be with the crazies.’ At first, I didn’t really understand what he meant but then I thought about it for a bit. We are all products of the environment we grew up in and they can affect us adversely or positively in one way or the other. He said he is somewhat wary of a good girl who comes from a family riddled with abusive or violent people. In one way or the other, her environment was bound to affect her. Another said he was wary of girls who came from single parent homes. While I personally believe that you shouldn’t judge people solely based on where they’re from, I think it’s important to realize that they may have some issues based on their family background. What makes the difference in relationships like these is whether the other partner can cope with those issues and, whether the two of them can work through or are willing to work through those issues or not.
To be continued…
I bring out a soggy blackened mess. How could I have got so lost in thought? Now Ike would not have a chance to eat the chocolate cake I had hinted I would make this morning. For a woman who spent a lot of time at home, I seemed to find it hard to get anything done.
The doorbell rang and I debated whether to answer it. It was probably my neighbor Christy. She was also a stay at home mum and she was bored stiff of it. She had tried her hands at doing something. Opened a provision store and got bored and tired of it. Got a job at a company but it was too tiring. Her two children were older than mine. One was five and the other was seven and she was all alone at home till they came back. Apparently, she wasn’t bored and tired of coming to gist with me over some African Magic. The doorbell rang again, louder this time. Couldn’t Christy take a hint? I was in no mood for a discussion or speculation about whether our husbands were having affairs with their secretaries or not. People like her made me wish sometimes that I was not a stay at home mother.
“Chinelo, I know you are there now. Open the door,” she said.
I sighed. There was no escaping her.
I opened the door to let her in. The sight of her alone gave me a headache.
“What have you been doing since morning?” she demanded.
“I have a headache,” I said which was actually true. The veins in my head were starting to throb.
“Ndo o, take panadol now,” she offered as she sank on to my sofa. I wondered if I should bake another batch of cake. I’d already prepared the soup for dinner but I had promised Ike a special treat today. It would be good to deliver on the promise.
“Ehen Chinelo,”’ Christy’s grating voice cut into my thoughts. “Do you know we have a new neighbor on our street?”
How would I know, I mouthed inaudibly. It wasn’t any concern of mine. She suddenly got up from the sofa, walked to my refrigerator and took out a soft drink without asking. I fumed silently. The gall of that woman!
After popping open the drink, she continued. “I only saw one woman with two small children. I didn’t see her husband . The one that late Chief Baiyero was living in. I’m not sure they are that comfortable sha. I only saw one Jeep in the compound. She said her name is Titi Lawreence or something like that.”
I gave an involuntary shudder as I heard the name. Titi Lawrence was my arch enemy. What was she doing moving into my street? Life had suddenly become more interesting