What Women Don’t Want

What Women Don’t Want.

rachel
I didn’t hint it in the previous article but honestly you didn’t think that I was going to do a post on men and their deal breakers and then leave out the women folk did you? Because after the discussion I had with the men I needed to hear what the ladies thought and frankly they had a lot to say. When I read the comments on the deal breaker, I had to agree with one thing and that is that a lot of talk these days talk on social media is about women and what they should do or not do in relationships. In a way, I’m glad the ladies are pissed. It shows that we are not willing to settle for just anything. Today, the tables will be turned. So dudes listen up! You may think you’re a correct guy and you have the looks and the swag but then you get surprised why the babe you’ve been eyeing turns you down unceremoniously when you try to make a move.
Here are a few reasons why:
1. Lack of Ambition: Contrary to popular belief, not all women are looking to just date rich guys. What is more important to us is: do you know where you are going and how you want to get there? Having no future ambition is a major deal breaker for most ladies. Unfortunately a lot of men these days are spoiled and lazy unwilling to do a honest day’s work. Some even want their mates to provide everything for them. All women want a man who is capable of being a provider. They don’t want a man who keeps asking for soft loans every week. Even if things are tight for you, she’ll appreciate your making an effort. Guys you need to learn to hustle! To show her you can be a provider, you don’t need to ply her with so many expensive gifts. For many women, the thought behind the gifts actually matters more than the gift itself. You can give little inexpensive gifts. Gifts that you can easily afford. Even a thoughtfully written card goes a long way. By the way, we want men who can buy us fuel anytime we need it. (Really, the fuel situation is not funny at all).
2. Uncontrollable Rage or Temper: Anger if not well managed is always a bad thing but some Nigerian men have the legendary anger of Sango. When they’re angry they can smash anything in sight even human heads. Well if you are such a man, then you can kiss dating goodbye because women won’t stand for such barbaric behavior. What is more, these days they’d make sure you pay for such behavior for example getting you hauled off to jail. Sometimes men unleash the anger in form of verbal abuse. Words that have the ability to cut down and destroy another person. The tone of voice is also important because women don’t like being shouted on. Don’t be surprised if a woman doesn’t pick your call again the day after you say such cutting words to her in a fit of anger.

3. Arrogance: In Episode 1 of Suits, Rachel said to Mike: “You know what nobody likes? Nobody likes a show-off.” She was right as she spoke for a majority of women. Being arrogant is not the same thing as being confident. Being confident means you know how to handle yourself but being arrogant means you don’t know how to treat others. Women crave respect from their men. They don’t want to be shouted down on or laughed at for their opinions. Women have a voice and they should be heard. Listen to her once in a while. She’d like to know that you think she’s smart enough to ask for her advice on your personal issues. Ladies love a man who treats them and others with respect, who respects their opinions and the opinions of others and is willing to listen to corrections and suggestions. Guys note that the slur: “Na woman. Wetin she know?” is totally unacceptable.
4. A Slob: When you marry a woman, she becomes your wife not your maid. So all those men with sloppy habits such as throwing dirty clothes all over the place, leaving wet towels on the bed, not sweeping or dusting or cleaning for weeks and not giving their dishes the benefits of having contact with soap and water(you know yourselves) you had better wake up! One lady said: “If I decide to marry a guy that means we decide to share our lives together. That means we share everything including house chores.” If we can go the extra mile to make your ofe anything, then you don’t need to be prodded to pick your socks off the floor. Besides, there’s no rule that says you can’t be the one to make the ofe nsala sef. Am I right ladies?

5. Poor manners: Arggh. A lot of our naija men seem to have been living with Tarzan in the jungle for years. How else do you explain some of their bizarre behavior? One friend told me that on a first date she went out with this man and they ordered goat meat and pepper soup. The man slurped the soup noisily as if he had not eaten in weeks and then when he attacked the goat meat it seemed like he was chewing nails with his mouth open. My friend summed up the date thus: “He no try at all.” It’s also in poor taste when you fix dates and don’t show up for them or when you show up late and have nothing to offer but lame excuses. Calling beforehand is only proper. Having good manners also means cultivating some form of thoughtfulness. Women really appreciate a guy who is thoughtful. We don’t really want to have to spell out our needs to you one by one. We’d appreciate it a lot more if you can figure it out and offer to help. Thoughtfulness means remembering special dates. Getting us a cold drink when you see how tired we are. Offering to help us with our luggage. Helping us get ready for a presentation at work. Naija guys I ask you, how often and when last did you do this for your woman? Nothing brings a wider smile to a woman’s face than a thoughtful guy.

6. Nags/Dictators: Goodness me, there is nothing more frustrating than a man that nags. They can go on and on and on about why you should or shouldn’t do this or that. Some men have the gift of making other people feel very small by constantly criticizing them. The fact that you are my significant other doesn’t mean you must dictate to me what to eat, what to wear or who I can talk to. Instead of doing that, men should spend more energy affirming their mates. A lot of men forget to do this, thinking well she already knows how great she is. but Sometimes she needs to be reminded of just how special she is! Chances are, if she’s the gem you think she is, other people haven’t failed to notice it and are admiring her and telling her in person. And really, we don’t enjoy nudging you to do it. How do you show that girl that you love her? Affirm her always.
7. Flirting with other ladies/Cheating: One characteristic about being in a relationship is that it is exclusive, that means not having anybody else in the relationship except you guys agreed from the onset that you have decided to keep an open relationship.(Wait, does this happen in naija?) News flash! We don’t think the fact that you have side chicks is cool. Neither is trying to ogle our friends or chat them up right in front of our noses. That’s just plain disrespect and we won’t stand for it.

8. Over possessiveness: Some men can get all bent out of shape over nothing and this is a great turn off. A friend told me about a guy who was interested in her who threw a tantrum because she went to see a movie with a platonic male friend. She couldn’t understand his anger because she hadn’t even agreed to go out with him yet. Worse, he started calling her incessantly wanting to know where she was every hour of the day and night and who she was with. My friend couldn’t deal with it and cut him off quickly. Such guys can be so exhausting. Give us space to breathe please so that the relationship doesn’t get suffocated.

9. Lying: Women love a guy who is transparent. They want to have honest, meaningful relationships. There’s no need to act dodgy with someone you are in a relationship with. Why do you get into a relationship in the first place if it’s not to share your heart with that person? Let her see to the very core of you. Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts or your feelings with that person. It makes her feel valued and she’ll be more encouraged to share hers with you too. It goes without saying that you need to be honest. Be honest about your past. Be honest about your present too. If you really want a long term relationship with that person, don’t keep skeletons in your cupboard. She’s bound to find out one day. Its better she hears it from you first. Pathological liars are deal breakers for women.

10. A Bore: Women want a man who can make them laugh. Their definition of their having a good time during a date is if the fellow was able to make them laugh. They usually rate such guys highly. It’s not about cramming a lot of jokes from a book. It’s more about being able to see the funny side of a situation or event. If you haven’t got a sense of humor, don’t worry an enlightened member of the male gender once told me that it could be cultivated. You just need to be willing to learn. Even if a woman isn’t talkative by nature, she’d still like you to listen to what she has to say. Not just hear what she’s saying but actually listen. Pay her the compliment of your full attention. You can’t fake it. Your body language, eye contact and even your responses would demonstrate if you’re listening or not. A guy that can listen is just well…irresistible.
This list is certainly not exhaustive but these are some of the things a lot of ladies mentioned as things they cannot tolerate. Not all women may agree with all the points and even if they do, I’m sure I have left out quite a bit so please ladies don’t hesitate to illuminate us in the comments section.
One thing women agreed that they wanted was a balanced person. A balanced person is someone who can juggle a lot of things and still give them proper time and attention. They want a man who can prioritize his relationship, his work, his family and his relationship with God. These days, life rushes us by at break-neck speed. Ladies want a man who is not so caught up in the rat-race that he has no time for other things. They want a man they can hope to go on vacations with, who can make himself available to hold their hand when they need it. Such men exist, don’t they?
I’d like to reiterate what I said in the previous article and that is that wholesome relationships work on a balancing mechanism. Everybody has a right to make the list of what they want or don’t want. We all have our preferences but no one is perfect and that’s why we must be willing to look at the bigger picture. It takes two to tango. The more important question is to ask ourselves if we are actually the kind of partners we would want to be with. If love and acceptance is what we want in the end, then we must be willing to give it to get it.

What Love is…kids version

KIDS’ ANSWERS… WHEN ASKED WHAT LOVE IS…

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“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” (Rebecca – age 8)

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” (Chrissy – age 6)

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” (Danny – age 7)

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” (Tommy – age 6)

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,” (Jessica – age 8)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” (Alan, age 10)

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.

God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” (Kirsten, age 10)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” (Eddie, age 6)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” (Craig, age 9)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” (Anita, age 9)

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” (Ricky, age 10)

SOME SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, age 6)

“Shake your hips and hope for the best.” (Camille, age 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, age 9)

10 things I Used To Hate About You

10 Things I Used to Hate About You

black-man-reading-the-paper
How I learned to appreciate our differences.
By Phil Callaway
Six months before my wedding day an older man tapped my shoulder in the post office and offered some free advice. “Ramona’s a lovely girl,” he said, licking a stamp. “She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.”
And that’s what I decided to do. But before Ramona agreed, she sat me down one Sunday after church, placed my hands on a Bible and asked me the usual questions:
“You are pretty good at basketball, Phil, but have you ever in your life been able to hit a laundry hamper?
“Will you refrain from using phrases like ‘I told you so,’ ‘I never had to chew my mother’s tomato soup,’ or ‘is there anything to eat around here?’
“Will you agree to take me shopping once a year just for fun? Will you pace the floors while I am in the changing room or will you relax a little?”
I didn’t feel comfortable lying to her right there in the sanctuary, so we retreated to the parking lot where I kissed her deeply and agreed to work on these things.
Six months later we stood at an altar as a preacher peppered me with more questions: “Wilt thou take this woman to be thy lawfully wedded wife, Phil? Will you rinse the sink when you shave and make the bed when you’re the last one out of it? Will you forget baseball statistics and remember her birthday? Will you affirm, admire, and accept her—and quit eating chicken wings with a fork, so long as you both shall live?”
I agreed to work on these things, then I kissed her deeply.
Minutes later, as I stood in the receiving line watching people I’d never met kiss my bride, the same man who approached me in the post office whispered some more advice: “She looks mighty fine today,” he said, “but she’ll drive you nuts sometimes. I’ve been married fifty-six years. I should know.” Leaning closer, he tapped my shoulder with his cane. “You want a happy marriage?” he said. “When the things that attracted you to her start to drive you apart, find a way to reverse the process.”
I’ve been thinking about the old man’s advice for 18 years now, and it’s finally starting to make sense. Allow me to explain.
When Ramona and I were dating I was attracted to her many attributes, including the way she took life slowly. I was constantly running. She taught me to stop and taste the strawberries. Three weeks after our honeymoon, the lack of speed with which she approached life made my adrenaline race. I found myself sitting in the car Sunday mornings tapping the dashboard resisting the urge to honk. By the time we got to church, worship was the farthest thing from either of our minds.
Eighteen years have brought me full circle. In a world that’s on permanent fast forward, my wife is a living illustration that slowing down is not only enviable, it is possible. Perhaps it’s also possible, as the old man discovered, for the things that drive us nuts to drive us together.
That doesn’t mean I’ve come to peace with everything she does. During our first year of marriage, I wanted to follow Martin Luther’s example and nail a list of irritations to the bathroom door. I couldn’t quite come up with ninety-five theses, but ten came to mind:
1 Your sense of humor is warped. The funniest thing I did this week was hit my head on a cupboard door. You laughed as if I were Peter Sellers. This was not funny to me at the time. It still isn’t. Please do not laugh when you read this.
2 A vow of silence is fine for a monk. Our late-night “fights” are as one-sided as a Chicago Cubs game. You grow quiet during arguments. Silence can be a virtue, but it can also be maddening.
3 You are kind to phone salesmen. On our first anniversary a phone call interrupted a candlelight dinner I had prepared. You walked away from a perfectly good (albeit rather burnt) pizza to talk for upwards of two minutes to a complete stranger because you were too polite to hang up.
4 Generosity isn’t always a virtue. Last week you made four pies and gave away three. Our tithe to the church now exceeds the ten percent solution Jacob recommended in Genesis 28. You gave ten dollars to the Girl Scouts and the cookies weren’t that great.
5 What’s next, pickled ice cream? On Wednesday you made banana meatloaf. Meatloaf is bad enough without the fruit. What other recipes do you have? Can we go through them together?
6 Morning is broken. I am a night owl; you rise with the sun. You delight in greeting me early and releasing the shade loudly. Unfortunately, I do not wake up until noon. Please do not sing to me before 8 a.m.—even on my birthday.
7 You are a cheapskate. I wanted to buy a new car and you said, “Sure, or shall we just light 3,000 dollar bills on fire?” You believe we shouldn’t spend more than we make. If this were true, why did they invent credit cards?
8 You throw things away. Last week my wool sweater went missing. The one I got for my seventh birthday. If I don’t glue things down, they walk away. When we have children will you package them up and send them to the Salvation Army?
9 Necking won’t fit on the calendar. I love to do things we haven’t planned. Like quick trips to the city, surprise purchases, or necking on a back road to nowhere. You like the necking, but you like to plan for it.
10 I am from Switzerland; you are from Zimbabwe. I love to be on time. You do not. Is this a cultural difference? Meet me in the living room at 8 p.m. sharp and we’ll talk about it.
After some thought, I decided not nail the list to our bathroom door and it is a good thing. Through the years we have had numerous discussions on each point and eighteen years in the University of Diversity have taught me that if we were the same we’d be in trouble. If we were both spenders, we’d be bankrupt. If we were both spontaneous, we’d never get anything done. If we kept all my wool sweaters we’d rent thirteen U-Hauls each time we moved.
The Bible describes marriage as two becoming one. Ideally it is a partnership of two distinctly different individuals who are stronger together than apart. But this won’t happen until we swallow our pride, praise each other’s uniqueness, and encourage each other’s strengths. And a little humor helps too.
Martha Bolton, Bob Hope’s joke writer and the author of I Love You … Still (Revell) agrees. Just like Ramona, her husband, Russ, likes to throws things away. “It wouldn’t be so bad,” Martha told me, “if he would stop with his things. But he throws my things away, too. I’ve had to dig through the trash to find that bank deposit slip on which I had written my next book idea. I’ve tried paying him back and letting him ‘discover’ a few of his things (favorite books, day planner, chess set) in the trash, too, but he just laughs and doesn’t get the connection. This has been a habit with him for so long, I don’t know if he’ll ever completely give up his compulsion.”
Martha’s secret? “Just keep loving him and check the trash.” Better still, she has come to see the benefits of his clutter-free personality. “He doesn’t like clutter in our relationship either,” says Martha. “He doesn’t hold grudges or bring up past issues. If something keeps getting in our way, he’d rather toss it out than continue to hang on to it. It’s turned into one of the things I love about him. Of course, I still check the trash every week before the garbage man takes it away. I’ve still got deadlines to meet.”
Joanne Robideau, a thirty-four-year-old mother and high school teacher says, “I used to hate the way my husband, Gord, went into things without planning ahead and just did things off the cuff. Now I’ve learned to appreciate his spontaneous approach to life and how quickly he adapts to situations. I used to get anxious when we would walk into something we hadn’t planned for, now I rely on his ability to take over. What I thought was a curse has turned into a blessing.”
I agree. Though Ramona’s silence caused me grief at first, I’m learning to wait until she’s ready to talk and to remind myself that those who say the most do not always have the most to say. When book sales brought in unexpected abundance, it was her generosity that helped us respond as Christ would, giving away what we didn’t need. Her kindness to phone salesmen was the same kindness that first drew me to her. Thankfully it has tempered with time. She now offers a polite “No thanks,” followed by a click.
Perhaps best of all, it is her warped sense of humor that allowed me just last week to hang a small blackboard beside the phone. Now each time a telemarketer calls, she says, “Why don’t you talk to my husband?” and she holds the phone by the blackboard, grinning while she runs her fingernails over it.