What Women Don’t Want.
I didn’t hint it in the previous article but honestly you didn’t think that I was going to do a post on men and their deal breakers and then leave out the women folk did you? Because after the discussion I had with the men I needed to hear what the ladies thought and frankly they had a lot to say. When I read the comments on the deal breaker, I had to agree with one thing and that is that a lot of talk these days talk on social media is about women and what they should do or not do in relationships. In a way, I’m glad the ladies are pissed. It shows that we are not willing to settle for just anything. Today, the tables will be turned. So dudes listen up! You may think you’re a correct guy and you have the looks and the swag but then you get surprised why the babe you’ve been eyeing turns you down unceremoniously when you try to make a move.
Here are a few reasons why:
1. Lack of Ambition: Contrary to popular belief, not all women are looking to just date rich guys. What is more important to us is: do you know where you are going and how you want to get there? Having no future ambition is a major deal breaker for most ladies. Unfortunately a lot of men these days are spoiled and lazy unwilling to do a honest day’s work. Some even want their mates to provide everything for them. All women want a man who is capable of being a provider. They don’t want a man who keeps asking for soft loans every week. Even if things are tight for you, she’ll appreciate your making an effort. Guys you need to learn to hustle! To show her you can be a provider, you don’t need to ply her with so many expensive gifts. For many women, the thought behind the gifts actually matters more than the gift itself. You can give little inexpensive gifts. Gifts that you can easily afford. Even a thoughtfully written card goes a long way. By the way, we want men who can buy us fuel anytime we need it. (Really, the fuel situation is not funny at all).
2. Uncontrollable Rage or Temper: Anger if not well managed is always a bad thing but some Nigerian men have the legendary anger of Sango. When they’re angry they can smash anything in sight even human heads. Well if you are such a man, then you can kiss dating goodbye because women won’t stand for such barbaric behavior. What is more, these days they’d make sure you pay for such behavior for example getting you hauled off to jail. Sometimes men unleash the anger in form of verbal abuse. Words that have the ability to cut down and destroy another person. The tone of voice is also important because women don’t like being shouted on. Don’t be surprised if a woman doesn’t pick your call again the day after you say such cutting words to her in a fit of anger.
3. Arrogance: In Episode 1 of Suits, Rachel said to Mike: “You know what nobody likes? Nobody likes a show-off.” She was right as she spoke for a majority of women. Being arrogant is not the same thing as being confident. Being confident means you know how to handle yourself but being arrogant means you don’t know how to treat others. Women crave respect from their men. They don’t want to be shouted down on or laughed at for their opinions. Women have a voice and they should be heard. Listen to her once in a while. She’d like to know that you think she’s smart enough to ask for her advice on your personal issues. Ladies love a man who treats them and others with respect, who respects their opinions and the opinions of others and is willing to listen to corrections and suggestions. Guys note that the slur: “Na woman. Wetin she know?” is totally unacceptable.
4. A Slob: When you marry a woman, she becomes your wife not your maid. So all those men with sloppy habits such as throwing dirty clothes all over the place, leaving wet towels on the bed, not sweeping or dusting or cleaning for weeks and not giving their dishes the benefits of having contact with soap and water(you know yourselves) you had better wake up! One lady said: “If I decide to marry a guy that means we decide to share our lives together. That means we share everything including house chores.” If we can go the extra mile to make your ofe anything, then you don’t need to be prodded to pick your socks off the floor. Besides, there’s no rule that says you can’t be the one to make the ofe nsala sef. Am I right ladies?
5. Poor manners: Arggh. A lot of our naija men seem to have been living with Tarzan in the jungle for years. How else do you explain some of their bizarre behavior? One friend told me that on a first date she went out with this man and they ordered goat meat and pepper soup. The man slurped the soup noisily as if he had not eaten in weeks and then when he attacked the goat meat it seemed like he was chewing nails with his mouth open. My friend summed up the date thus: “He no try at all.” It’s also in poor taste when you fix dates and don’t show up for them or when you show up late and have nothing to offer but lame excuses. Calling beforehand is only proper. Having good manners also means cultivating some form of thoughtfulness. Women really appreciate a guy who is thoughtful. We don’t really want to have to spell out our needs to you one by one. We’d appreciate it a lot more if you can figure it out and offer to help. Thoughtfulness means remembering special dates. Getting us a cold drink when you see how tired we are. Offering to help us with our luggage. Helping us get ready for a presentation at work. Naija guys I ask you, how often and when last did you do this for your woman? Nothing brings a wider smile to a woman’s face than a thoughtful guy.
6. Nags/Dictators: Goodness me, there is nothing more frustrating than a man that nags. They can go on and on and on about why you should or shouldn’t do this or that. Some men have the gift of making other people feel very small by constantly criticizing them. The fact that you are my significant other doesn’t mean you must dictate to me what to eat, what to wear or who I can talk to. Instead of doing that, men should spend more energy affirming their mates. A lot of men forget to do this, thinking well she already knows how great she is. but Sometimes she needs to be reminded of just how special she is! Chances are, if she’s the gem you think she is, other people haven’t failed to notice it and are admiring her and telling her in person. And really, we don’t enjoy nudging you to do it. How do you show that girl that you love her? Affirm her always.
7. Flirting with other ladies/Cheating: One characteristic about being in a relationship is that it is exclusive, that means not having anybody else in the relationship except you guys agreed from the onset that you have decided to keep an open relationship.(Wait, does this happen in naija?) News flash! We don’t think the fact that you have side chicks is cool. Neither is trying to ogle our friends or chat them up right in front of our noses. That’s just plain disrespect and we won’t stand for it.
8. Over possessiveness: Some men can get all bent out of shape over nothing and this is a great turn off. A friend told me about a guy who was interested in her who threw a tantrum because she went to see a movie with a platonic male friend. She couldn’t understand his anger because she hadn’t even agreed to go out with him yet. Worse, he started calling her incessantly wanting to know where she was every hour of the day and night and who she was with. My friend couldn’t deal with it and cut him off quickly. Such guys can be so exhausting. Give us space to breathe please so that the relationship doesn’t get suffocated.
9. Lying: Women love a guy who is transparent. They want to have honest, meaningful relationships. There’s no need to act dodgy with someone you are in a relationship with. Why do you get into a relationship in the first place if it’s not to share your heart with that person? Let her see to the very core of you. Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts or your feelings with that person. It makes her feel valued and she’ll be more encouraged to share hers with you too. It goes without saying that you need to be honest. Be honest about your past. Be honest about your present too. If you really want a long term relationship with that person, don’t keep skeletons in your cupboard. She’s bound to find out one day. Its better she hears it from you first. Pathological liars are deal breakers for women.
10. A Bore: Women want a man who can make them laugh. Their definition of their having a good time during a date is if the fellow was able to make them laugh. They usually rate such guys highly. It’s not about cramming a lot of jokes from a book. It’s more about being able to see the funny side of a situation or event. If you haven’t got a sense of humor, don’t worry an enlightened member of the male gender once told me that it could be cultivated. You just need to be willing to learn. Even if a woman isn’t talkative by nature, she’d still like you to listen to what she has to say. Not just hear what she’s saying but actually listen. Pay her the compliment of your full attention. You can’t fake it. Your body language, eye contact and even your responses would demonstrate if you’re listening or not. A guy that can listen is just well…irresistible.
This list is certainly not exhaustive but these are some of the things a lot of ladies mentioned as things they cannot tolerate. Not all women may agree with all the points and even if they do, I’m sure I have left out quite a bit so please ladies don’t hesitate to illuminate us in the comments section.
One thing women agreed that they wanted was a balanced person. A balanced person is someone who can juggle a lot of things and still give them proper time and attention. They want a man who can prioritize his relationship, his work, his family and his relationship with God. These days, life rushes us by at break-neck speed. Ladies want a man who is not so caught up in the rat-race that he has no time for other things. They want a man they can hope to go on vacations with, who can make himself available to hold their hand when they need it. Such men exist, don’t they?
I’d like to reiterate what I said in the previous article and that is that wholesome relationships work on a balancing mechanism. Everybody has a right to make the list of what they want or don’t want. We all have our preferences but no one is perfect and that’s why we must be willing to look at the bigger picture. It takes two to tango. The more important question is to ask ourselves if we are actually the kind of partners we would want to be with. If love and acceptance is what we want in the end, then we must be willing to give it to get it.